Friday, August 31, 2012

The B10 situation

The good news is that B10 is single again. The bad news is that if I don't act fast he may not be for long. About a week ago I was stalking his OKC and FetLife profile and noticed that he had made some changes and it seemed like he might be single again. That night he texted me letting me know he was single. I was thrilled. Finally my chance had come. However, I really do enjoy B23 and think that might lead somewhere. Deep down I know I'm a sucker for B10 though and need to see where that will lead. B10 and I exchanged a few texts where he told me he had a date with a girl the next night. Damn, this guy works quickly and clearly I wasn't the only girl on his mind. That was a bit of a bummer, but he isn't taken yet so I know there is still time.

So we haven't set a time to meet yet, but have texted each other on and off this week. My most recent text from him said that he might not be single for long and I know my window of opportunity is small. I have something I need to do. I need to find out if I have a chance to be with him because not knowing is going to eat me up. I need to let him know i have a crush on him and that I want a chance to be with him. I really don't know what he is going to say. Did he ever think of me like that? I know we are friends, but will he want more? Best case scenario is he likes me too and we live happily ever after. Worst case is he rejects me. It's frightening going into the unknown and I know it will need to involve some booze.

There is also the B23 factor. The guy is growing on me. I cooked dinner for him last night and we cuddled and watched movies (and had multiple rolls in the hay). We haven't really established where we stand with each other yet. Hell, I still don't know his last name! So here I am, at a cross roads. I know i'm going to try to come up with an excuse not to tell B10, but if I catch him before he's dating someone again I need to come clean. This is about my happiness. This is about me growing a pair and telling a boy that I like him. It's a whole new adventure for me. Wish I could just slip him a note and run away....

Sunday, August 19, 2012

B23 breaking the rules...again

It's Sunday and I've seen B23 three times since last Thursday night. I met him on FetLife when he e-mailed me commenting on all the losers that had posted responses to a recent ad I put up. The first thing I noticed was that he was 26 which was a bit outside my age range. However, he didn't' seem like a douche and had something to say that was original so I e-mailed him back. Turns out he is on OKC so I was able to stalk his profile there. He looked young, but I was also really interested in him because he didn't seem like the average looser I am used to attracting. We exchanged numbers and so the texting began. Texting turned into sexting and we soon had plans for a first date (which was last Friday). He tried to get me to come over before then, but I stood my ground and insisted on a first date without sex first. This almost worked.

Last Thursday I went over to his apartment after work for a pre-date. First, off his apartment is amazing. He owns the building and has been restoring everything himself. It is by far the most grown up place I've been in. Secondly, he doesn't look as young as his pic and I am definitely attracted to him. Thirdly, we had sex. I didn't mean to (hell, I hadn't even gotten waxed) but I couldn't resist myself. It started with harmless cuddling and the we started fooling around and the next thing you know.... It was awesome and I have no regrets. So, this was our pre-date.

For the real date we hung out on Friday night, went to dinner and then had more sex. The chemistry is definitely there, but i worry about when he will loose interest and drop off the face of the earth. It's been known to happen with my bachelors and now I'm a bit nervous about it. He also came over this afternoon for a very intense sex session and boy has be pushed my boundaries. I can say that there are a number of things I am crossing off my kinky bucket list and I like it.

I'm trying to not get too emotionally involved yet, because I really don't want my heart to get broken. I'm not sure I can handle any more heart break for a while. So this is where it stands. I'm very excited about this bachelor and can't wait to spend more time with him. I never would have thought that a younger guy could really fulfill me, but it seems that things are finally working in my favor. Keep your fingers crossed and I promise to post more about B23. I think you are all going to like this one.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Mad Girl does not like kids

I am really not a huge fan of kids. I just don't have patience for them. There used to be a point in my life when I wanted 6 kids. Maybe it's because I got wiser as I got older, maybe it's because years of retail have made me NEVER want to procreate or maybe it's because I like the lifestyle that not having kids affords me, but I am 99% sure I NEVER want children.

The thing is that I do like kids. I love my cousin's kids and they seem to like me as well. I also plan on being an awesome auntie one day. However, in general, I hate other people's kids and I guess it's not really the kids fault, but the parents. Unfortunately I see the worst side of parenting. I work in an upper middle class neighborhood where both husband and wife work and decide to hire a nanny to watch their children. There is something to be said for parents who raise their own kids rather than leaving them in the hands of a nanny. I also think that a lot of parents I see have kids more as status symbols. I really don't think I could hate any object more than a double wide stroller. When I see one coming I just think chaos, destruction, and temper tantrums. It gives me anxiety.

I could honestly blog for days about how much I hate these horrible parents and their nasty little children and I'm sure there will be more blogs to come, but let me vent about one very frustrating incident I had yesterday.

I got a phone call from a child of about 7 or 8 who clearly had some communication issues. I couldn't understand what they were asking for and had to ask them to speak up repeatably. I was so fricking frustrated. This conversation took up about 20 minutes of my time when my store was very busy. I had to ask the kid to spell things out and the I would repeat things back only to get it wrong again. I finally found what the kid was looking for, but I really wanted to have them put their parent on the phone.

What the fuck parents!!!! Have you never worked retail? Your child is not prepared to handle a phone call like this. You are not teaching them a lesson you are annoying the fuck out of someone who has way more important things to do. If you can't teach your child to speak clearly then you should not be putting them on the fucking phone. It's little things like this that make my angst build up. I have a laundry list of things like temper tantrums, Cheerios, damaging product, and not watching your children that I plan to rant about. It's time someone spoke up for those of us who are making the choice to not have kids and really don't want to have to live their lives in a kid friendly environment.

Friday, August 10, 2012

bartending school and therapy

I've decided to start making some major changes with my life. I just don't know where to begin. The crap has been building lately and with everything that happened involving my cousin's death I am just not dealing with life very well right now. I feel like I'm very close to a nervous breakdown and I just don't know how to fix it.

This is why I'm going to see a therapist. However, this step is not as easy as I thought it would be. I went to my insurance website and they referred me to therapists and psychologist. I have no idea what type of person I need to see, but I do know I need to speak to someone soon. So I start calling, but half of them didn't answer and the other half were booked for a month! I don't want to wait a month to start fixing my life. Maybe I just need to go to my GP who can then refer me to someone appropriate. Ideally I want to speak to a woman who is under 40 because i need someone who understands what life for a 30 something is like. I really don't know what I need. Grief, Anxiety and maybe a little depression are all creeping into my life more than I would like. I need someone to help me get back on track and make positive changes and maybe I need some meds too.

The other day I was thinking about the things I'd like to change in my life. Here's the list I came up with and it seems that a lot of it is connected. I tried to put my list in my head in order of importance. So, here's what's making me unhappy and stressing me out:

Work - that nasty four letter work probably has me the most stressed and unhappy. I used to love going to my job, but these last few years have been tough and I really can't wait to work my shift and get the hell out of dodge. The problem is that I don't really know what I want to do and the things that do interest me would not pay me enough. I know I've always wanted to be a bartender and there is a chance to make some decent money there so I have an appointment with a bartending school next week. I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to do anything until after the new year though due to time and money constraints.

Relationship - or I guess this would be lack of relationship. I would even settle for a few play partners right now, but I really do want a boyfriend. I want to find that person that makes me want to run away to Vegas and get married. I also suspect I would be a pretty rockin girl friend. Just need a chance to try my skills out. I'm still sore about B10 as well. When I think about him my heart aches like it never has before. I hate that he's got a girlfriend....just hate it.

Money - this is tied to the whole work thing, but, like most Americans, I have debt. I also live a certain lifestyle that I love (going out to eat and drink, buying cute clothes). I really can't make less than I make now and ideally I need to make more so I can get some of my credit card debt down.

Weight - I know this is the eternal girl problem, but I have gained weight this past year and would just like to fit comfortably back into my size 14s. Either way this isn't a major problem for me because I'm confident with my body (most days). I just don't want to get any bigger and want to make sure I don't experience any health issues. I think portion control is the best option for me because I am sure as hell not dieting or working out.

So these are the major areas I need to work on. On the flip side there are things that I love about my life.

Strong Support System - My friends and family are amazing. The only down side is that all of them live at least an hour away. I love my family and miss them very much. It does bum be out that because of my retail job I miss a lot of family functions that are held on the weekends. As for friends I really don't have a support system in the city any more, but I'm working on building one. However, I do have two amazing friends that have basically been my therapists these past few weeks. They are awesome ladies and I am so happy to have them in their lives.

Chicago - It's no secret that I'm in love with this city. I love going on new adventures and taking in all this city has to offer. I'd say I'm in a very serious relationship with Chicago.

Me - I like me. I'm confident in my ability to survive and get through this. I like the life I've built for myself. Sure there are some things to change, but I don't have low self esteem issues and plan to get my life back on track. Also, I'm so excited to be writing on a regular basis again. What the hell made me stop doing this? Too bad this couldn't pay me enough to make a living.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Mad Girl chills with the Yoopers

I recently went with some of my family to take my grandfather's ashes up to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan where he was born. Grandpa's last wishes were to have some of his ashes scattered up there and this had been a trip one year in the making. My grandpa only lived up there for a short amount of time as a child, but a lot of his family remained up there so he returned to visit from time to time. Ever since I was young he took me on trips to visit the UP.

For those of you who don't know the UP is about an 8 hour drive from Chicago. You basically drive to the end of the earth and then keep going another 30 miles or so. We stayed in Houghton, which is where my grandfather grew up. It's one of the bigger towns around there and home to Michigan Tech. You can easily book a hotel downtown and are walking distance from some great bars and restaurants as well as a really nice lake front path. Houghton is right on Portage lake which leads out to Lake Superior. Here are a few of my favorite things to do in the area.

left: main street of Houghton right: Houghton/Hancock bridge over Portage Lake

First off, you MUST go to Suomi Restaurant for pancakes and nissau bread. This is one of the very vivid memories I have of the UP. Suomi is your basic hole in the wall dinner, but they serve these amazing Finnish pancakes which are the size of a large dinner plate and are slightly sweet. They are thinker than a regular pancake, but you really only need one. I also tried the pannu kaku which is a Finnish pancake which was sort of custardy and served with a side of raspberry syrup. You can also get nissau here (try the nissau french toast) which is a Finnish bread flavored with cardamom. I prefer to have mine with thimbleberry jam which you can only get up in this area. Thimbleberry is sweet and sort of like a raspberry. It costs about $10-12 a jar because it's so hard to make. We always get ours from The Jam Lady. The one other food item you have to have is the pasty. They are meat pies that the wife used to make for the miners. They were easy to put into their pockets and eat on a lunch break. I eat mine with butter and a little ketchup on top. If you had an English meat pie it's similar. As you can tell, the Finnish settled this area. Across the lake in Hancock you will find Finlandia university and all the street names are in English and Finnish.

left: pancake middle: Jam Lady right: The Ambassador

The other must eat at place on my list is the Ambassador. It's a prohibition era bar that serves some awesome pizza and drinks in fishbowls. It is a college town after all. You can get some great views of the Houghton-Hancock bridge as well.

We took a nice drive further up the peninsula and scattered my grandfathers ashes in various locations. He is now resting happily at Brockway Mountain, in Lake Superior, at the Eagle Harbor light house and many other stops along the way. My grandfather said that he felt reborn again when he went up to Brockway Mountain. How can you not feel renewed when you are staring out at miles of pristine wilderness? You really do get away from it all up there.

view from Brockway Mountain

There are also some breweries that have popped up in the area. I'm a beer geek so I had to vi st these places. We went to The Library and the Keweenaw Brewing Company. Both had decent beers to try and The Library has food as well.

So if you are looking for a place to escape and don't mind driving to the end of the world then you will enjoy everything that the UP has to offer. The locals are super friendly and full of stories. The food is comforting and the beer is flowing.