This is why I'm going to see a therapist. However, this step is not as easy as I thought it would be. I went to my insurance website and they referred me to therapists and psychologist. I have no idea what type of person I need to see, but I do know I need to speak to someone soon. So I start calling, but half of them didn't answer and the other half were booked for a month! I don't want to wait a month to start fixing my life. Maybe I just need to go to my GP who can then refer me to someone appropriate. Ideally I want to speak to a woman who is under 40 because i need someone who understands what life for a 30 something is like. I really don't know what I need. Grief, Anxiety and maybe a little depression are all creeping into my life more than I would like. I need someone to help me get back on track and make positive changes and maybe I need some meds too.
The other day I was thinking about the things I'd like to change in my life. Here's the list I came up with and it seems that a lot of it is connected. I tried to put my list in my head in order of importance. So, here's what's making me unhappy and stressing me out:
Work - that nasty four letter work probably has me the most stressed and unhappy. I used to love going to my job, but these last few years have been tough and I really can't wait to work my shift and get the hell out of dodge. The problem is that I don't really know what I want to do and the things that do interest me would not pay me enough. I know I've always wanted to be a bartender and there is a chance to make some decent money there so I have an appointment with a bartending school next week. I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to do anything until after the new year though due to time and money constraints.
Relationship - or I guess this would be lack of relationship. I would even settle for a few play partners right now, but I really do want a boyfriend. I want to find that person that makes me want to run away to Vegas and get married. I also suspect I would be a pretty rockin girl friend. Just need a chance to try my skills out. I'm still sore about B10 as well. When I think about him my heart aches like it never has before. I hate that he's got a girlfriend....just hate it.
Money - this is tied to the whole work thing, but, like most Americans, I have debt. I also live a certain lifestyle that I love (going out to eat and drink, buying cute clothes). I really can't make less than I make now and ideally I need to make more so I can get some of my credit card debt down.
Weight - I know this is the eternal girl problem, but I have gained weight this past year and would just like to fit comfortably back into my size 14s. Either way this isn't a major problem for me because I'm confident with my body (most days). I just don't want to get any bigger and want to make sure I don't experience any health issues. I think portion control is the best option for me because I am sure as hell not dieting or working out.
So these are the major areas I need to work on. On the flip side there are things that I love about my life.
Strong Support System - My friends and family are amazing. The only down side is that all of them live at least an hour away. I love my family and miss them very much. It does bum be out that because of my retail job I miss a lot of family functions that are held on the weekends. As for friends I really don't have a support system in the city any more, but I'm working on building one. However, I do have two amazing friends that have basically been my therapists these past few weeks. They are awesome ladies and I am so happy to have them in their lives.
Chicago - It's no secret that I'm in love with this city. I love going on new adventures and taking in all this city has to offer. I'd say I'm in a very serious relationship with Chicago.
Me - I like me. I'm confident in my ability to survive and get through this. I like the life I've built for myself. Sure there are some things to change, but I don't have low self esteem issues and plan to get my life back on track. Also, I'm so excited to be writing on a regular basis again. What the hell made me stop doing this? Too bad this couldn't pay me enough to make a living.
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