the list

I spend a lot of time thinking about boys. I'm starting to think that I am actually a 15 year old girl stuck in a 32 year old woman's body. I've accomplished so much in my life so far and don't have any regrets about the path I took. However, I really want a boyfriend.

For years I was set on the independent woman track and, in some ways, I'm still there. I have a good job, great friends, am close with my family and have had very little drama in my life thus far. What I'm missing is someone to share my life with. It has always been important for me to stand on my own two feet. I think that every woman should be able to support herself and should not need to depend on a man for support or validation. I still strongly feel this way, but now that I've proven I can take care of myself I sort of want to find someone to take care of me and vice versa. It would nice to come home to someone. To have a support system, a best friend and a lover. Is this asking too much? Is this what my married friends have or at some point do I just need to give up looking for it all and settle?

The idea of 'settling down' frightens me. I firmly believe that people should not compromise and settle down just to be married. However, I've started to doubt this theory. I've been searching for over two years and I'm tired of being disappointed. I feel like I've kissed (and fucked) enough frogs to earn me a prince. Now, I'm sure if I lowered my standards a bit, I could find someone, but that is just not an option. I'm willing to overlook some things that would normally be a turn off (not drinking, facial hair, bad taste in music) if I really like the guy. In the end it is really about how they treat me and make me feel. It's about chemistry beyond the bedroom.

A few days ago I was cleaning off one of my bookshelves and found a journal I kept when I traveled to Mexico in February of 2008. I remember waking up in Guadalajara one morning and turning on the Oprah show. She was talking about finding your soul mate and it got me thinking about what I wanted in a partner. Later that night I went down to the hotel bar, ordered some tequila and wrote this list:

make me smile -and keep it there
sense of adventure
can travel together without me wanting to kill him
foodie
family ties (but not a mama's boy)
can hold his booze. knows what a good beer is (no swill)
someone I can be still with
loves that I'm neurotic

I feel like I need to draft a letter a la Jane and Michal Banks in Mary Poppins. Maybe if I put it out there he will magically appear on my doorstep.