a case of the mean reds

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?

Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?

Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

I've been in a bit of a funk lately that lead to a case of the mean reds about a week ago. They eventually transitioned to the blues and I feel that now I'm out of my rut. I've got a lot of shit going on in my life right now and in bits and pieces it really wouldn't be that bad, but when it all hits around the same time and is combined with a horrible case of PMS...you get the mean reds.

First off I had scheduled some cleaners to come in and clean my apartment. I was planning this all month and had let certain areas of my apartment get pretty dirty. Well, I get up and wait for the cleaners to arrive and when they are 30 minutes late I call the company and they say they canceled my cleaning appointment! What the fuck! So, on top of wasting an afternoon waiting for these people I'm now in charge of cleaning my apartment. GRRRRR!

So to add to this I got to thinking about B19. I decided to be a big girl and approach the subject of our 'relationship'. I feel strange referring to him as 'the guy I'm dating'. We've been dating for about four months, we are both exclusive and I have not desire to see anyone else. Plus, I really, really like him. Well, that conversation did not go as well as planned. I thought we could come to an agreement to 'go steady' (yep, I'm old). Instead he sort of skirted around the issue and made it clear that I'm just 'the girl he's dating'. Awesomeness.

Well, to top everything off I call my mom and listen to her cry about her relationship with my dad and the strain that moving in with my grandmother after my grandfather's death is putting on their marriage. I've always come for a happy, stable home, but lately home is the last place I want to be. My mom is very unhappy because she is trying to please everyone and feels guilty about my grandma because she is depressed. My grandma doesn't want to be left alone and will even follow you from room to room like a puppy. My parents are free to live the life they used to live and I am starting to resent my grandma big time. I truly don't even want to be around her because she drives me batty. It's just no a good situation and it's only a matter of time until it all blows up.

As you can see, things got a little intense and emotional and hit a boiling point for me. I'm better now, but think I should probably look to get on some sort of medication so I don't break down at work one day and strangle a Lincoln Park housewife.